I lied, I'm not okay - Finchel Fanfiction
by omgmichele
Summary: Rachel Berry is at breaking point. She can't deal with all the bullying, the name calling, the slushies and to top it off, Finn breaking up with her three weeks beforehand. So what happens when she feels like everything is gone and there is no point in living? Will she survive? And how does Finn actually feel about it?
1. Chapter 1

The sky was pitch black, with not a single star in sight. Rachel sighed, this made her think back to when she and Finn had been together and the amazing Christmas present she had gotten him.

 _"It's your own star", Finn replied, confidently._

 _"You named a star after me?", Rachel was shocked, she normally wouldn't have received gifts from anyone except her Fathers, who didn't even turn up for Christmas this year. To Rachel, this was the nicest, most sweetest thing anyone had ever done for her. It was everything for her._

 _"No, I thought about that but then I named it Finn Hudson". Rachel felt confused but still delighted about her extravagant gift. Finn carried on,_

 _"Because there is already a star named Rachel Berry and she's right here on earth and she's brighter than any of those stars up there." Finn felt very relieved when he saw Rachel's face and how content she seemed about this gift. So he decided to elaborate,_

 _"So I wanted to make sure that whenever you feel lonely, you can look up at the sky and no matter where I am, you can know that I'm looking down on you". Her smile beamed wider and brighter than ever before and she linked arms with Finn and walked down the busy hallways of McKinley High._

That night, she and Finn gave themselves to each other. It was passionate and gentle, not forceful at all. At the time, she didn't regret it and thought that it was one of the best things that had happened to her, especially since she was slushied and bullied daily. But three weeks later, Finn broke up with her because he had cheated on her with her archenemy, Quinn Fabray, and didn't want to lead her on with his love. Little did he know that those three weeks of Rachel being single had changed her life and his life forever.

So Rachel sat on her windowsill, looking up to the sky, the chilly midnight breeze hitting her pale and hollow face. Her dads, Leroy and Hiram, were away for another week in London. (It was their anniversary and they wanted to take a small vacation away. Rachel was used to this and ended up spending the majority of the year alone in her house or at school.) She had contemplated why Finn had cheated on her but soon realised that what had confused her for so long, was staring her in the face. Rachel. Berry. She was the problem and she wasn't exactly beautiful or attractive. Her boobs were small and her butt was flat, but still Finn loved her all the same.

Then one faint glow that was hardly in view sparkled like a million diamonds to Rachel. A star. It might be small but it gave her hope to keep on living, just like her Finn. Her eyes traced the whole sky in search of more stars but there was no hope. She eventually gave up trying to look for more and felt her eyes go drowsy. Her head fell against the window and blackness succumbed her.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for all the reviews and views! It means the world for me, I am so happy :)

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Rachel awoke to a blurry brain and cramps all over her body. She swung her legs around and jumped off the windowsill and toppled over when her legs gave way. She rolled along the floor of her bedroom and stayed cocooned in her own body heat, clutching her legs tightly to give them warmth. She remembered what had happened last night and what thoughts she had thought about. Finn. That name struck her in the heart. It had only been three weeks and 2 days since the break up but she was still head over heels for him and longed for his body next to hers.

Thank God it was a Saturday as she rotated her head to look at her alarm clock. 10:51, it read. Rachel felt the numbness subside from her legs and used her bed to stable her when she got up. Once up, she scanned her room, there were no Broadway posters, no Barbra Streisand pictures from her old magazines. Just plain pink walls that had a greyish tint to it which emphasised how Rachel was feeling. Plain and boring, with no sense of life inside her. She maneuvered across her room and sat down at her desk, reminiscing on when she would come back from school, a tear soaked face and slushie coating her dark chocolate hair and red staining her clothes. All the bullying that had occurred to Rachel started in her freshman year, where Santana, Brittany and Quinn, the Unholy Trinity, would call her many names that, at first, seemed to slide right off her. But it got worse in her sophomore year when pornographic pictures of her would cover the bathroom stall doors and slushies would also start, Rachel would at least get two daily.

But in junior year, Rachel had discovered that Finn had secret feelings for her. And as he was the Quarterback and had dated Quinn, she was put off by him and his sense of popularity. Then 5 months ago, Rachel decided it was worth a shot and just at the beginning of her last year at McKinley, she said yes to him. For 4 months, she felt like a Queen and that she was rescued by him; she was his damsel in distress. Their relationship was official and it felt amazing to Rachel.

Yet, she still had doubts about Finn during the relationship, no matter how hard she tried to push them back and out of her terrified mind.

She felt like second best, that wasn't good enough for her.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you so much for everything! This means so much to me, I love you all ;)

It was a chilly Monday morning, and Rachel woke up like usual at 6am and hit her alarm on snooze. She felt too tired to even get on the elliptical so she stayed in her bed, wrapped in her pink satin duvet, and let her mind drift off...

 _Beep! Beep! Beep!_

Rachel awoke with a start, and looked anxiously at her alarm clock that was still continuing the annoying ringing. The numbers read, _7:42. 'Shit!'_ Rachel thought. She only had 45 minutes to get ready and rush to school. Normally, she would be bothered to get dressed cutely to impress Finn, but that feeling soon felt abnormal for Rachel. Nowadays, her get-up would consist of a jumper that was way too baggy and grey sweatpants that trailed along the floor. Her hair that was usually bouncy and voluminous hung loosely around her waist, greasy strands covering her face. Once downstairs, she skipped breakfast and grabbed her bag, walked out of the door and headed for her car, a silver mini cooper.

Rachel hopped into her car, and slowly drove to school, arriving at 8:21. She trudged in, her sweatpants brushing the floor. As she makes her way to her first period, AP History, Quinn strolls up to her,

"Hey Man-Hands, you look horrible today, even if you are ugly everyday. No wonder Finn broke up with you.", she stated.

Rachel quickly paced away to a different seat and tried to ignore Quinn's words that rung so clearly in her head. Of course she was ugly, but it didn't mean Finn broke up with her. _Did it?_ Tears began to crawl slowly down her face while she sat silently sobbing.

 _GleeGleeGleeGlee_

Finn felt great. I mean, he didn't have a girlfriend and his grades weren't up to his standards but he found out he might get a scholarship to _NYU!_ He casually walked into History and found his place next to Rachel who seemed really miserable, with her hair strung over her face so he couldn't see her beautiful features. Wait, did he just think Rachel was beautiful?! Did he still have _feelings_ for her, even if he was the one who broke up with her, just so he could focus on Quinn? (I mean, Quinn, the Ice Bitch!?) His short lived happiness soon crumbled to sorrow as he saw Rachel properly for the first time in weeks. Limp hair, hunched back, shoulders slouched over, wet cheeks and droopy eyes. Her appearance made one thought stick out like a sore thumb in his mind:

'Rachel was his, and if she needed help getting back on track, he would do everything to help.'

Little did he know, Rachel wasn't having any of it.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm thinking of writing a new angsty story, if you want me to, please comment something nice about this story because I really want to write but I can't be asked haha. Anyway, I love all of you :)

If Monday was anything to go by, Tuesday was even worse. Rachel had unusually forgotten to set her alarm clock and yet again, she woke up incredibly late. She slowly crawled out of bed and decided to wash her greasy hair, which hadn't touched water in over 2 weeks. The hot, steaming water trickled down her skin and the pain from the water gave Rachel a sense of empowerment over her body. Once satisfied with the heat, Rachel began to sing, something she had discarded ages ago. Her hoarse voice pierced through the thin walls of the house as she sung,

 _If anyone asks,_

 _I'll tell them we both just moved on_

 _When people all stare_

 _I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk_

 _Whenever I see you,_

 _I'll swallow my pride_

 _and bite my tongue_

 _Pretend I'm okay with it all_

 _Act like there's nothing wrong_

 _Is it over yet?_

 _Can I open my eyes?_

 _Is this as hard as it gets?_

 _Is this what it feels like to really cry?_

 _Cry_

 _I'm talking circles_

 _I'm lying, they know it_

 _Why won't this just all go away?_

 _Is it over yet?_

 _Can I open my eyes?_

 _Is this as hard as it gets?_

 _Is this what it feels like to really cry?_

 _Cry_

 _Cry_

She twisted the handle and the burning water abruptly stopped. Her throat now stung because she gave her all in that song, all her emotions flowed out her. As she stepped out, her eyes glanced up at the mirror. Her skin had a very clear pink tinge to it but it was gradually fading away, just like her pleasure she got from the torture of the water.

Although her usual everyday outfit was sweatpants and jumpers, she felt it was time to try and hide all her feelings by acting happy and joyful, so she dressed up in a simple striped sleeveless top and some jeans in the hope no-one would slush her but instead walk away with the slushie and compliment her outfit. As she rushed downstairs, a small square piece of paper was left on the table. Rachel didn't bother reading it as she knew her dads left early this morning, to go on a 'work vacation' for 5 days. She sighed, feeling quite alone, even if this was a weekly occurrence. The clock chimed, implying it was 8 'o' clock. There was no time for breakfast. 'It wouldn't hurt for one day', Rachel thought. She opened the door, and locked it quickly behind her, and rushed to school in her small Mini Cooper.

 _Glee!Glee!Glee!Glee!_

The bell rang as soon as Rachel stepped into school. She walked down the main corridor and headed to Maths. At least when she reached Maths, no slushie had come into contact with her face. Instead of that daily event, she got looks from many unfamiliar students who had noticed her change in fashion while making their way to first period. It confused her, when she wore sweatpants or reindeer sweaters, no-one would bat an eyelid, but as soon as she bothered in her choices, she would get dirty looks from nearly everyone. She also heard some wolf whistles but ignored them, believing the whistles for some popular Cheerios, definitely not for her at all.

She took a seat towards the back of the classroom, next to Finn. He looked up and down her, staring at her with love and envy, he still feels love when near her and is jealous of how she looks and if any jocks will hit on her without her knowing. He tried to speak to her but she just ignored him,

"Hey Rach-", Finn said, softly.

" _Don't_ call me Rach, only my friends call me Rach, which also means that no-one will call me that nickname", she attacked back, with venom dripping from each word.

"What's up, Rachel? Yesterday you were wearing sweatpants and now you are dressing differently. I mean, I like this look but your personality has adapted into ferocious Rachel, it is not like you. it is like you've changed personalities with Quinn, even though she is my girlfriend"

"Quinn!? How have I changed personalities with her, the Ice Bitch? The answer is in the name, 'Ice Bitch'" Rachel sarcastically quoted, "She has ruined my life, along with the Unholy Trinity, and now I have had enough of it. I'm simply defending myself from everyone's comments and bullying, Finn. You should try it, seeing as Quinn _is_ your girlfriend, after all." Rachel then turned away, and concentrated on the work at hand.

 _Glee!Glee!Glee!Glee!_

Finn felt devastated that he let Rachel slip away from his grasp even more. If Rachel was his girlfriend again, he would protect her with all his heart because he knows something is up with her. What though?, he thought. Could she be depressed? Heartbroken? Vexed about Quinn? Finn could understand the Quinn and the heartbroken idea but surely, Rachel isn't depressed. Come on, this is Rachel Barbara Berry. The girl who loves Broadway and talks a lot and has a _MASSIVE_ personality. However, Finn had noticed she was losing the Broadway and the personality in exchange for silence and bitchiness. She can't be depressed, surely? Can she?

He was disrupted from his deep thoughts when a clear, loud screech shattering the air. This was no ordinary scream, it was a familiar Rachel Berry scream.


	5. Chapter 5

**Ok so I want to clear up something right now. I have noticed that a few of you have reviewed saying that Finn didn't have a girlfriend one day, then did. Well, I am sorry for that mistake and I am stating now that Finn was with Quinn and didn't break up so for now, he is with Quinn. Just go with that haha. But thanks to everyone, and sorry this is a little late, school is just on my nerves 24/7 lmao.**

Finn ran as fast as his body would allow him to the unknown source of the scream. Once near where he thought the scream came from, his eyes focused on the rainbow coloured Rachel who had slushie in her face, hair and staining her clothes, which she had chosen especially as she thought she would have at least one day where ice didn't slap her perfectly smooth skin. Finn stood there, shocked and annoyed as Rachel quickly darted through the students, not caring if she ran into any of them. He then looked at all the jocks who had, unsurprisingly, jumbo cups of slushie each in different flavours.

As Finn looked over to them, a sudden urge to punch every single on of them. This surge of energy bolted through him and connected his fist with Karofsky, the main bully. A sickening crack could be heard and it was clear Karofsky's nose was broken, and blood was gushing out of it.

Puck, who held a jumbo slushie that was still full after he decided not to attack Rachel, stood and watched as Finn practically murdered the other jocks. He walked over and put his hand on Finn's shoulder and led him away from them.

"What was that for? You don't need to defend Berry, she caused it, to be honest.", Puck stated.

"How? She gets bullied everyday, what is your problem? All of you are so... so... vile." Finn yelled, earning looks from other students.

Puck looked remorseful and walked over, "I guess, but she annoys the hell out of everybody, that's why we slushie her." he leaned in, and whispered, "Look, I don't agree with it and I truly feel bad for what the jocks do to her, in fact, it makes me sick but I have to keep up my rep otherwise, I'm a Lima Loser."

Finn sighed, angrily. "Reputation isn't important, _Noah_. Being popular or being a bully like Karofsky doesn't plan your life. That's why people who are popular or are bullies usually end up stuck in small towns, like Lima, and will probably end up dying here too."

Puck was astonished, Finn had never been that smart, yet he was able to come up with something as insightful as that. From the look of Finn's face, he assumed Finn was also astonished and slightly sad, yet he didn't know why.

Finn, although he had made a point about Lima Losers, felt downcast as he realised after his intelligent statement that he too, would become a Lima Loser. Rachel was the only bright light in his life, which he regretfully discarded for Quinn, to also enhance his reputation. After he cleansed himself of Quinn, he then realised that reputation wasn't important and he was only happy with Rachel, even if she wasn't the most social person in Lima. She made him feel loved and that was all that mattered to him.

While Finn was chatting to Puck, Rachel was trying and unsuccessfully getting slushie out of her hair and clothes. She mentally kicked herself for thinking that for one day she would be able to avoid the cold, runny coloured ice. Also, to top it off, she hadn't brought any spare clothes to quickly change into. Rachel entered a cubicle and closed the door harshly. She dropped onto the toilet lid and sat there, sobbing loudly, not caring for anyone who decides to walk in. The ice had now solidified in her hair and her clothes were soaked and dripping excess slushie and was slowly pooling around her feet. During her sobbing period, Rachel had one clear thought: _truanting_. While Rachel has a perfect attendance record, it wouldn't hurt to miss lessons and spend the day thinking about why she has this life and why she had bothered to put up with it until now.

She swiftly gathered up all her belongings, which was only a couple of books for next lesson, her phone and her keys, and rushed out of the cubicle and out of the white bathroom door. She glanced around and spotted Finn, who was casually talking to Puck. ' _Good', R_ achel thought, _I can get away without someone following me every five seconds, or someone being worried about me. It's exhausting._ Rachel glanced over yet again to Finn, who was still engrossed in Puck and bolted for the main corridor and towards the school field. She ran and ran until she had a painful stitch and was extremely out of breath. Her car was still left at school, but she didn't care for it because it would suggest to Finn that she was still at school and so he would follow her home. Once she reached her house, a detached 3 bedroom house, she opened the door and shut it brutally and raced to her bedroom, where she broke down for the second time, tears soaking the carpet, her head in her hands.

Trudging over to her bathroom, she reached up and opened her cupboard, grabbing a pink razor. She then dragged the sharp blade over her pale skin, the line of blood running down into the porcelain sink. It was her first time, she thought she feel pain but none came. Rachel got the razor again and the line wasn't as wonky as the first. Blood covered the whole of her wrist and Rachel was mesmorised. Never had she seen this much blood with this little amount of pain. She repeated the cuts 6 more times, four on each wrist and soon began to feel lightheaded. Black dots swam across her vision, making it incredibly hard to focus.

The last thing she heard was a knocking on her front door, and a very familiar voice.

"Hello? Rachel, are you alright?" That voice was Finn's.


	6. Chapter 6

_"You always end up stealing the spotlight"_

 _"I don't think I wanna be your boyfriend"_

 _"Also, I'm more talented than you"_

 _"You can dance with him, you can sing with him but you will_ ** _ **never**_** **_**have him**_** _"_

" _We all know I'm more popular than Rachel. And I dress better than her"_

 _"You dress like one of the bait girls on To Catch A Predator"_

 _"If you really want to be happy you're gonna have to say goodbye"_

Well then, ****GOODBYE**** _._

 _Glee!Glee!Glee!Glee!_

Rachel awoke to bright lights and a raging headache. Once her eyes focused, she figured she was in a hospital. One thought raced through her fuzzy mind, 'how did she get there?' Rachel tried to concentrate but she couldn't remember any events of what happened. While all her attention was on her confusion, she hadn't noticed a figure sat near to her bed, a tall familiar figure with tears in his eyes, that slowly fell onto his lap. He sniffled, making Rachel's turn so quickly, her neck could've snapped.

"Finn!? What are _you_ doing here?", she asked surprised.

"I found you, i-in your house, you had c-cuts all over your arms", he broke down, choking on his sobs.

Her mind then recollected all of her missing thoughts, of her slicing her skin, hoping it would be the end of a short but painful life.

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 **Short chapter, but I have so much revision to do for GCSE's ugh**


	7. Chapter 7

Finn felt so relieved that he had managed to find Rachel in time, but also sick to the stomach because he just kept thinking about what would've happened if he had been 2 minutes late, 5 minutes late. Rachel, his ex-girlfriend, had wanted to die. Because of him, his actions, his undeniable feelings of wanting to love Rachel but chose Quinn instead. Why did he chose Quinn? Quinn. Quinn Fabray of all people, the girl who cheated on him, the girl who pursued in making sure that he wouldn't know the baby was his. And who told him the truth? Rachel. He mentally cursed in his head, _FUCK. Fuck, she didn't deserve anything thrown at her, especially since she had to watch for several months me kissing Quinn, holding hands, everything she had, secretly, wanted me to do with her. And I wanted to do all that with her too, but I never admitted it. Damn, I love her so much. I love Rachel Berry, my star, the world's Greatest Star._

Finn jolted up, starling a weak, pale Rachel, whose harsh brown eyes were slowly piercing a burning hole in Finn. "Rachel, I have to tell you something. Please promise me that you're going to listen to everything I say and not speak a word until it's over, please." He looked over at Rachel, hopefully, wanting to see a glint of affection in her deep eyes. He blanched, realising Rachel hadn't returned the softness that she usually expresses. Her head lay softly back onto her pillow, her face turned away from Finn's. Anyway, Finn took in a deep breath and started on his appraisal for Rachel Berry. Ok. Breathe. He began. "Rachel. That name holds a special place in my heart, and many others even if you don't know it. It broke me when I found you. Laying there lifelessly, sprawled, lacerated with deep cuts. It broke me. Fuck, I even cried. Cried over you. You need to understand that you have always been there for me, when I was with Quinn and when I was with you. I had no idea that you were so depressed and now, looking back, I was so dumb to even let it slip." Rachel turned her head, her eyes showing a mixture of shock and praise, for her Finn had said the kindest words she had ever received. But he wasn't done. Not yet. "Ok, I'm just going to say it. I love you. I love your soul, your beautiful heart and your gorgeous personality. And I promise, I promise, promise, promise to love you forevermore. I really don't want anyone else but you. You are my person." By this time, Rachel had slow, silent tears streaking down her cheeks, resting at her jawline. Finn casually wiped them away with his thumb, grazing the wet skin.

Rachel looked up, her eyes searching for love in his. Love is what she got.

She leaned in, her lips moist with desire.

3.

2.

1.

Sparks flew in every direction, igniting their bodies with flames of passion.

Rachel had finally realised, she had love. Love was all she needed.

And she got that from her person.

Finn Hudson.

 **Ok, so Finchel is finally together! But how long will it last and is Finn at all faithful to Rachel?**

 **Sorry for the week's wait, I honestly hate the last year of high school, mocks and exams just annoy the hell out of me lol**


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